Heartfelt

It is surprising how life plays out. Manasi had been a closed chapter of my life for the past so many years and suddenly we met last week only to part again ....

We had met during our Engineering course (in the late 80’s) and took a liking to each other. She was from a very rich, traditional and conservative Gujarati family and me from a typical Maharashtrian family. It was a surprise that we hit off instantly. Our first interaction was in a filmy manner. It was raining heavily that July and I was the only one sitting in class (there was nothing else to do!). When she entered she was all wet and I could not miss the sight.

“Hi”, she said, “And don’t watch like that.”

I felt so embarrassed that I instantly had the sheepish look of a child caught stealing sweets from the kitchen. She started laughing. She had a throaty kind of laughter. Her smiling face looked as radiant as the rays of sun glistening off dew drops. I mumbled a sorry, let go of the shame and joined the laughter.

She was very good looking .... infact she was beautiful and had a cheerful demeanor. She was fair, light eyes and her glowing complexion complemented her good looks. Her figure had a certain fullness to it. The ease with which she carried herself marked her confidence. She had the ability to keep you engaged when she spoke.

 

We used to meet almost everyday after college. I don’t know if it was love but I enjoyed being with her. Except for the love of Ghazal's, we didn’t have anything in common – neither culturally nor liking wise yet we became an inseparable pair.

We were together for 2 years and during those two years we became known as a “couple” in college. I think my family too assumed that we’d take the relationship to the next level and get into wedlock. We had at one time tried to get intimate, I knew she too was not averse to it, but somehow the pressure of culture overcame her. I remember I was mighty upset and she too knew it. She whispered sorry and smiled. We let go of it.

One day during the placement interviews season I noticed that she was unusually silent. She just shrugged when I prodded. I let go of it as one of those silly female mood swings. The next day was Sunday. She called me early in  the morning and suggested to go on a day long drive on my bike. All through the drive she was unusually silent and held me tightly. After a refreshing cup of coffee on the way we went to our favorite spot in Tamhini Ghat.

As we sat next to each other overlooking the lush green valley and the small waterfalls created by the rains, she held my arm tightly and rest her head on my shoulder. It was serene for a while, when she slowly pulled my face towards her and kissed me. We had kissed earlier but this time I couldn’t feel any passion, it was more like like an affectionate kiss. It was then that I noticed the moist eyes.

She said that she had been going through a mental turmoil. Her traditional family had found a “suitable” husband for her and prima facie there was nothing to dislike about that guy. He had his well established family business. She was not prepared for the marriage but did not have the courage to go against her family. I was deeply saddened and my first reaction was to shrug off her hand that held my arm.

I didn’t want to loose her, but at the same time I was unsure if I loved her or was I just used to her presence in my life. Or maybe it was my male ego that was just taking her for granted, though I needed her. I had decided long back that I’d first concentrate on my career and then decide if I wanted to marry. I was just unprepared to accept the news that she broke. 

 

As I spoke to her, I realised that I was sounding like a complaining child and though she had an unending stream of tears flowing down her cheeks, her responses were measured and mature. She was in tears, but she was not crying.

We returned in silence sometime after noon without eating. Those were the days when there was no social media or cell phones. She did call our home phone that night but I excused myself as not available. My pride was hurt. I did not call back. I slept with mixed feelings – surprise, rejection, sadness, anger. Looking back I realise that, that was the day I understood the meaning of Shakil Badayuni's Mughal-E-Azam classic

ऐ मोहब्बत तेरे अंजाम पे रोना आया 
जाने क्यों आज तेरे नाम पे रोना आया

The next day during campus interview, I got selected by a reputed company and my professional career started. Life went on without any news from her. I did not make any attempt to find out her whereabouts. But she remained in my thoughts. This personal space is too sensitive and precious for me. My wife too knows it and has chosen not to bring it up in any discussions.

And then last week, after about three decades, I met Manasi. My son was getting engaged and he insisted to have a bash. He had planned it with an event management company. 

 

Suddenly somewhere in the crowd I saw Manasi. As I was trying to place her, my son introduced me & my wife to her as a partner of the event management company. She in turn introduced us to her husband who was the other partner. I thought his eyes looked enquiringly when she mentioned my name. She probably had told him about me. Or maybe my mind was playing games.

Manasi and I met the next day at a café. The juke box was fortunately playing retro Hindi songs. I cannot stand the noise that is called music these days. After a few seconds of awkward silence she spoke. 

“Isn’t it a strange coincidence? Us meeting like that after so many years?”

“Yeah”

Another awkward silence.

"You know, I have not been unfaithful, but all these years I could not forget you”, I said.

She looked into my eyes with a half smile as tears welled up in her eyes.

But her response was direct as always, "Me too. It was too hurried .... the way we had to separate”.

“You decided to go away.”, I retorted.

Her response was a forced smile, but I could sense the despair in her eyes as she spoke, "I liked you a lot and had always assumed that we would be together ... all the time. When my father brought this proposal I could not gather the courage to tell him about us. I told my mother. My father then spoke to me. He spoke about how our languages are different, eating habits are different and all the nonsense that parents tell kids. You know, from the way I behave everyone assumes that I am a dashing woman, but deep down in the heart I realised that I am too timid. I tried reasoning with my father but could not stand against him. I knew that his intentions were good and he wanted the best for me, but I was sure that he would not allow me to be with you. So I prepared myself to speak to you. I knew it would be hard on you. Though we had not verbally committed ourselves, yet there was this transparent string that had held us together.”

She paused for a breath. I was still thinking of a smart answer when she continued.

“Now I know that what we thought of friendship was actually love. You were my first love and you will always be in my heart. Now after all these years ....", she paused, "this is probably one of those things that's best left incomplete. Probably that's what it was destined to be. Let's leave it at that. ”

With that she left. She didn't walk away because she didn't love me. But she went away as her peace of mind was too precious for her to loose it again. I could see that she fought too hard to be herself. She knew if she had stayed it would have hurt more. It was the only way. And as painful as heartbreak is to endure, staying together would only hurt more.

While I left the café, the juke box was playing Sahir’s song

वो अफसाना जिसे अंजाम तक लाना न हो मुमकिन

उसे इक खूबसूरत मोड़ देकर छोड़ना अच्छा

चलो इक बार फिर से अज़नबी बन जाएँ हम दोनों