Only If He Knew
Only If He Knew
One day he was in an unusually cheerful mood and we went on a short-day trip into the hills. Adi and I were aghast when we saw Mahendra jump off the cliff. In his suicide note he had asked for forgiveness and took full responsibility for his act. He was not able to accept the rejections that came in his search for a job. Adi had just entered his teens and he was in shock for many days. That wallet was one item that he cherished.
Adi was good looking with an above average height, was soft spoken and good at studies as well. He got his job from campus interview at college and was also in the good books of his seniors at his job. Unlike his friends, he did not hop jobs. He used to say, “My job is taking good care of me. Why should I change it just for money?”
I used to think its just a matter of time before he finds the right girl. It was sometime after his twenty sixth birthday, that I noticed the first signs of things not being right.
It was past 11 PM one day, when I heard some sobbing sounds. As I tip toed into the living room, I realized that the sounds were coming from Adi’s room. Thinking about it, I waited for a while but decided to address it the next day.
I asked him about it, next day and he replied that he had indeed cried. He remembered his father and missed him. He also said that it felt good after crying, as if a burden had been lifted off his chest. I found that a bit weird and decided to keep a watch if it repeats.
Nothing of that sort happened again and I was relieved. I thought it was just a one-off thing and probably must have been about his growing up without a father. Being a mother, I continued to observe his behavior and was pleasantly surprised to see him happy in the following days.
He appeared to be unusually happy and used to smile over trivial things. I felt good and while cleaning his room, I found the reason of his happiness. My son whom I still considered a child had grown up and was in love with a girl named Avanti. He had scribbled the name on the pages of a novel. I didn’t know who she was and decided to wait till he breaks the news to me. I was sure he would let me know one day.
In the following days, he suddenly seemed to have developed a liking for music. I saw new CD's being bought. All these years he was fond of reading and had a good collection ranging from comics & novels to books on serious topics. I thought that it was good that he was expanding his horizons.
But in the following weeks, I noticed that he became very moody and used to keep to himself for no reason. He also used to be home on the pretext of working from home, but was never working. His mood swings would be extreme. He never used to be angry but sometimes he spoke without any hint of emotion. Even his smiles seemed to be with dead eyes. I was concerned and decided to take him to a doctor.
Dr. Desai was a typical old school doctor who had the ability to extract maximum details from the patient with seemingly simple questions. I had earlier visited him when Mahendra was diagnosed with depression. After a couple of visits he told me and Adi, that these were initial signs of depression. He prescribed some medicines and asked him to complete some mental exercises as well for the next few days.
Adi followed the doctor’s instructions till that day. I still remember, it was on a Saturday evening that Adi was cheerful after many days. He had ordered pizza for us and we joked and spoke about times of his school friends and our relatives. We retired to our rooms a bit after 11:30.
The police were called and we later found a note in his room. He had written that he considered himself lucky to have had loving & caring parents. But that there was no motivation for him to continue living. During the police panchnama the police had also found a diary where he had written his thoughts. A few days later they handed over all his belongings and the diary to me.
In the diary he had mentioned that he had fallen in love with a girl named Avanti. Though he had found it difficult to express his love to her, he thought she was reciprocating his feelings. She was a budding singer and working in a music shop after college hours gave her the opportunity to listen to different types of music. It was for that reason that Adi had gone to the shop and bought those CD’s.
He had also written that they had been to a coffee shop and he was very happy to be with her. He thought that she too shared the same vibes with him and it was just a matter of time before he would pop up the question to her.
The diary ended on that Saturday, when he purchased the last CD from her shop. He wrote that he had again seen her with a guy in the coffee shop. This was the same guy he had seen her with a few days ago. From the ease with which they were speaking and laughing, they seemed to know each other very well.
Adi was upset about this and in the unstable mental state that he was, it probably drove him to take the extreme step. I glanced at the stack of CD’s saw that the last one was unopened, still in its sealed cover. While I was in these thoughts the doorbell rang.
When I opened the door a found a beautiful girl of Adi's age in jeans and T-shirt standing outside with a cheerful yet questioning look on her face.
“Hi, I am Avanti. Is Adi in?”
Looking at my expression she tried explaining, “I’m sorry. We haven’t met. I work at Concorde music and Adi frequently comes there. I haven’t seen him for the past some days. He had told me where to find him, so I thought I might as well check on him.”
Looking at her cheerful face and the sincerity in her voice, I suddenly couldn’t control my emotions and a tear slipped through my eyes. At the same time I also thought that this was the girl who caused the death of my son.
She tried to speak to me between her sobs. Adi had met her at the music shop and she had indeed grown fond of him. She knew he had fallen for her because he used to talk to her about anything but music.
Her brother had recently come home on a vacation and she had confided in him about Adi. She had glanced that Adi had seen her when she was with her brother. Her brother apparently knew Adi through a common friend and gave her the go ahead.
She paused for a while to compose herself, then asked for the last CD. Now it was my turn to be dumb struck as she peeled off the dummy seal on the CD cover. She opened the CD jacket to show me that inside was a small piece of pink paper with the words
Only if he knew ….
My son Adi used to
do a lot of thinking. The things that any normal person would let go from his
mind, Adi would get intrigued by it. Though not an introvert, he was not very sociable as well. He always wanted to know everything of
everything. And he was very passionate about his things to the extent of being
obsessed with them. It could be his five-year-old jeans or his father’s wallet
that he used.
My husband Mahendra was a very loving person who was always full of energy. He ensured that we three went on atleast one trip near our city every month. This had continued till one day he was laid off. Though I had a job that took care of us financially, Mahendra couldn’t handle it. He slipped into depression.
My husband Mahendra was a very loving person who was always full of energy. He ensured that we three went on atleast one trip near our city every month. This had continued till one day he was laid off. Though I had a job that took care of us financially, Mahendra couldn’t handle it. He slipped into depression.
One day he was in an unusually cheerful mood and we went on a short-day trip into the hills. Adi and I were aghast when we saw Mahendra jump off the cliff. In his suicide note he had asked for forgiveness and took full responsibility for his act. He was not able to accept the rejections that came in his search for a job. Adi had just entered his teens and he was in shock for many days. That wallet was one item that he cherished.
Adi was good looking with an above average height, was soft spoken and good at studies as well. He got his job from campus interview at college and was also in the good books of his seniors at his job. Unlike his friends, he did not hop jobs. He used to say, “My job is taking good care of me. Why should I change it just for money?”
I used to think its just a matter of time before he finds the right girl. It was sometime after his twenty sixth birthday, that I noticed the first signs of things not being right.
It was past 11 PM one day, when I heard some sobbing sounds. As I tip toed into the living room, I realized that the sounds were coming from Adi’s room. Thinking about it, I waited for a while but decided to address it the next day.
I asked him about it, next day and he replied that he had indeed cried. He remembered his father and missed him. He also said that it felt good after crying, as if a burden had been lifted off his chest. I found that a bit weird and decided to keep a watch if it repeats.
Nothing of that sort happened again and I was relieved. I thought it was just a one-off thing and probably must have been about his growing up without a father. Being a mother, I continued to observe his behavior and was pleasantly surprised to see him happy in the following days.
He appeared to be unusually happy and used to smile over trivial things. I felt good and while cleaning his room, I found the reason of his happiness. My son whom I still considered a child had grown up and was in love with a girl named Avanti. He had scribbled the name on the pages of a novel. I didn’t know who she was and decided to wait till he breaks the news to me. I was sure he would let me know one day.
In the following days, he suddenly seemed to have developed a liking for music. I saw new CD's being bought. All these years he was fond of reading and had a good collection ranging from comics & novels to books on serious topics. I thought that it was good that he was expanding his horizons.
But in the following weeks, I noticed that he became very moody and used to keep to himself for no reason. He also used to be home on the pretext of working from home, but was never working. His mood swings would be extreme. He never used to be angry but sometimes he spoke without any hint of emotion. Even his smiles seemed to be with dead eyes. I was concerned and decided to take him to a doctor.
Dr. Desai was a typical old school doctor who had the ability to extract maximum details from the patient with seemingly simple questions. I had earlier visited him when Mahendra was diagnosed with depression. After a couple of visits he told me and Adi, that these were initial signs of depression. He prescribed some medicines and asked him to complete some mental exercises as well for the next few days.
Adi followed the doctor’s instructions till that day. I still remember, it was on a Saturday evening that Adi was cheerful after many days. He had ordered pizza for us and we joked and spoke about times of his school friends and our relatives. We retired to our rooms a bit after 11:30.
The next day, early morning just before five, I was awoken by
the door bell ringing incessantly. The watchman was at the door. He said that
Adi had fallen from the balcony. I sensed that something was wrong and
ran to his bedroom only to find it empty. The bed was neatly arranged. The door to the balcony was open. Fearing the worst, I ran to the balcony and looked down. I saw him lying in a pool of blood.
The police were called and we later found a note in his room. He had written that he considered himself lucky to have had loving & caring parents. But that there was no motivation for him to continue living. During the police panchnama the police had also found a diary where he had written his thoughts. A few days later they handed over all his belongings and the diary to me.
In the diary he had mentioned that he had fallen in love with a girl named Avanti. Though he had found it difficult to express his love to her, he thought she was reciprocating his feelings. She was a budding singer and working in a music shop after college hours gave her the opportunity to listen to different types of music. It was for that reason that Adi had gone to the shop and bought those CD’s.
He had also written that they had been to a coffee shop and he was very happy to be with her. He thought that she too shared the same vibes with him and it was just a matter of time before he would pop up the question to her.
The diary ended on that Saturday, when he purchased the last CD from her shop. He wrote that he had again seen her with a guy in the coffee shop. This was the same guy he had seen her with a few days ago. From the ease with which they were speaking and laughing, they seemed to know each other very well.
Adi was upset about this and in the unstable mental state that he was, it probably drove him to take the extreme step. I glanced at the stack of CD’s saw that the last one was unopened, still in its sealed cover. While I was in these thoughts the doorbell rang.
When I opened the door a found a beautiful girl of Adi's age in jeans and T-shirt standing outside with a cheerful yet questioning look on her face.
“Hi, I am Avanti. Is Adi in?”
Looking at my expression she tried explaining, “I’m sorry. We haven’t met. I work at Concorde music and Adi frequently comes there. I haven’t seen him for the past some days. He had told me where to find him, so I thought I might as well check on him.”
Looking at her cheerful face and the sincerity in her voice, I suddenly couldn’t control my emotions and a tear slipped through my eyes. At the same time I also thought that this was the girl who caused the death of my son.
I controlled myself and asked her to come inside the
house. As she was looking around with searching glances, I gave her a glass of water and told her about Adi. She took a few seconds to absorb what I had told. She was too
dumbstruck. Then she let tears roll down her cheeks without inhibition.
She tried to speak to me between her sobs. Adi had met her at the music shop and she had indeed grown fond of him. She knew he had fallen for her because he used to talk to her about anything but music.
Her brother had recently come home on a vacation and she had confided in him about Adi. She had glanced that Adi had seen her when she was with her brother. Her brother apparently knew Adi through a common friend and gave her the go ahead.
She paused for a while to compose herself, then asked for the last CD. Now it was my turn to be dumb struck as she peeled off the dummy seal on the CD cover. She opened the CD jacket to show me that inside was a small piece of pink paper with the words
"I do!
-Yours Avanti".
Only if he knew ….
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