Life Goes On

It was one of those lazy Saturdays when the rain gods had decided that they would complete the season’s work in a day. It was pouring incessantly since morning. My Boss Rao had planned a get-together in the evening at his plush new duplex and had invited us friends with families for drinks and dinner. I was alone and was looking for some opportunity to get out of my lonely house.

Ten years ago, Ruchi had ended her marriage with me and walked out leaving me wondering about love, commitment and shallowness of it all. Everything appeared fake in life. It took me almost two years and lots of Blue Labels to start life afresh again and Rao had been very supportive of me through that phase.

When I reached the Rao residence the party had already started and I found almost all of the familiar faces. As I was filling up my glass Rao asked me to create a playlist of ghazal’s for that evening.

“Arey, don’t ask Shekhar to make the playlist. He will select Jagjit and all of us will start weeping throughout the evening” someone said.

Despite the laughter that followed, Rao smilingly nudged me to go ahead. I randomly selected some Jagjit, Mehdi Hassan and Ghulam Ali numbers, clicked the play button, lifted my glass and looked around for a quiet corner to settle. 

In the background, Jagjit was just setting the mood with

तेरे बारे में जब सोचा नहीं था
मैं तन्हा था मगर इतना नहीं था

Looking around there wasn’t any quiet corner and the air was beginning to get filled with smoke. I noticed that the living room seemed to have a secluded terrace overlooking the garden below. It was a bit dark, but I noticed some chairs and decided to make it my place for the evening.

As I approached the terrace I saw the silhouette of a woman standing with her hands crossed watching the rains. I had hoped for some solitude, but I moved ahead preparing myself for some useless small talk.

As I walked towards the terrace, the woman turned slightly such that the light shone on her face and… for a moment I couldn’t believe that after so many years it was Anuprita ... Anu. It then struck me that Anu and Mrs.Rao were good friends. Anu was unaware of my presence but as I kept on ascertaining if it was her, my heart went back 10 years.

It was on an Independence Day that my dear friend and colleague Brijesh introduced his wife Anu to me & Ruchi when he moved into the flat above my flat. She was breathtakingly beautiful and I always wondered how an idiot like Brijesh could land a such a magnificent woman. Unlike most women she never wore any make-up. Just a hint of lip stick was all she used to have. She always wore cotton Salwar Kameez’s, no western wear for her. And she looked elegant in those. However, for a woman of the 21^st century she was traditional in her thoughts. He was a post graduate but had dedicated herself to teaching music at an orphanage.

As our interactions increased we came to know about common interests in music and literature. Brijesh and Ruchi were more into films and parties.

It was sometime after that, that Ruchi and I began to have differences of views on several topics. Anything that I did, seem to upset her. Things got to such an extent that we hardly had any conversations for days. We had earlier decided to start a family after settling down but in those circumstances, starting a family was out of question.

I started noticing that Ruchi had started to keep her phone by herself. I ignored this thinking it was her reaction towards me considering our cold relations.

One day Brijesh had called in sick and I ended up doing his work as well. It was past 10PM when I parked my car next to Brijesh's in the parking lot. As got out, I happened to touch the bonnet of his car and it felt warm. I didn’t give much thought to it assuming he had just returned. When I reached home Ruchi was changing. She had just returned from somewhere and she seemed to be in a happy mood. I could also sense a hint of Tequila.

A few days later, despite my day off Ruchi was not at home and I thought of catching up on my favourite music. I went upstairs to Brijesh to fetch my CD’s that he had borrowed and forgotten to return. Anu opened the door. Looking at her it was evident that she had been crying. I tried to lighten the mood by bringing up some topics of her interest. All through that conversation she kept on giving me sympathetic but probing looks.

“Is Ruchi at home?” she asked.

“No, probably she’s gone to visit some friend.” I shrugged and added, “She has many friends. She was not home last weekend as well.”.

“Brijesh too is not at home and he was not at home last weekend as well.” She said looking straight into my eyes.

Before I could react, she said,” The next time you find Ruchi missing, just check for Brijesh's car in the parking.”

The way she said it without any emotion, I felt like the carpet being pulled from under my feet. I clearly understood what she was hinting.

“This has been happening for the past so many weeks. Didn’t you ever notice? Didn’t you even ask her?” She continued.

I was just too much shocked to respond. I had got hints and was even thinking about such a thing but somewhere deep inside I did not want to believe all this. In silence I stood up and just left that room.

I came back to my flat and sat for a very long time. I thought hard and suddenly the pieces started to fall into place. The coincidences began to make sense. The occasions when she was away and he was away all started to match. I wanted to fight with Ruchi and kill that bastard. At the same time, I wanted to forgive her and reason out with her.

Later that evening Ruchi sent me a text saying she would be returning the next day and that she was at her friend’s place. I went back to Anu and asked her to make call on that friends landline posing as another friend and to enquire about Ruchi. As expected Ruchi was not there. Anu had also checked and found out that Brijesh was at a resort outside city on business and would be returning the next day.

After that whenever Anu and I used to cross each other we exchanged sympathetic glances. I was just hoping that this bad dream would somehow be over. I kept on dropping subtle references to Ruchi with the hope that she’d confront, but she appeared to take it very lightly.

Once I was able to show Ruchi her bluff and we had a fight. She admitted that it was an affair not so serious but also denied being away any night at any time. It was then that I realized that it was all the beginning of the end.

One day I asked Anu out for coffee. She took a moment  to decide but agreed to meet me. After that we started meeting regularly and used to call each other atleast once every day. I started having feelings for her. My life began to settle for this new normal.  

Contrary to her elegant looks, her thinking too was very simple and straight forward. But she was not responding to me the way I wanted her to. I could sense her comfort when she was with me, but she continued to keep distance.

One day in the café I extended my hands across the table to hold her palms and asked her,” Anu, we have both faced the troubles that life has thrown our way. Let’s leave all this and get away. Let’s begin a life of our own.”

She gave a very surprised look and disengaged her hands. She became very withdrawn and silent as if she was conscious of her own breathing. Then she got up and left silently. The way she moved away conveyed that she wanted to leave alone. 

 The next day I met her in her flat and asked her did I do something wrong?

She started slowly and then continued to speak assertively at a slow pace,” You know, the feeling of falling in love with someone perhaps is the most fantastic and calming feeling you could experience in this world. But the fact is, that love is not enough.

"All those fairytales, all those stories and movies you've heard and watched growing up, lied to you. Love is never enough because love is irrational. When you are falling in love with someone, you feel you're so lucky to have met them in this world and that person becomes your joy in your life.

"You promise to yourself that you will break through every obstacle that is blocking the road towards the happy love life. You believe that nothing can stop the love between you two. We all have been there. You believe if you keep working hard you will get return for the love life you desired. But all this is vain. Love is not everything. Shekhar, you have to go and find your own life.”

I insisted to be with her, but she pushed me to go away. She also stopped answering my calls and rarely stepped out of the house.

A few days later Ruchi walked away and sent me a legal notice of separation. Some weeks after that, I left that flat because it kept giving me memories of Ruchi who didn’t want me and Anu who had made peace with herself.

Rao had told me that Brijesh had divorced Anu and she had then devoted herself fully to the NGO that she had been earlier been working with as a hobby.

While I was in these thoughts the rains appeared to have taken a breather. Anu turned her head and looked at me. She looked lovely as usual, a bit more matured with some silver in her hair. I desperately wanted to hold her. She briefly looked into my eyes. There was no surprise in her eyes as our eyes met, but the half smile on her lips was the only indication of her recognising me. She turned and walked towards me.

I loved her and I knew sometimes she loved me too

Had we been in a relationship, we’d have made it through

She walked up to me, clasped my fingers gently yet firmly and fighting her tears she looked in my eyes.

“Take care. Love yourself. Life is too precious to waste way”, she said in a choking voice and she moved on to thank Mrs.Rao for the party and made her way out.

On the playlist the last ghazal by Ghulam Ali was nearing its end

अपनी आँखों में छुपा रखें हैं जुगनू मैंने
अपनी पलकों पे सजा रखे हैं आँसू मैंने
मेरी आँखों को भी बरसात का मौक़ा दे दे

सिर्फ़ एक बार मुलाक़ात का मौक़ा दे दे

हम तेरे शहर में आये हैं, मुसाफ़िर की तरह