Culpable
Ruchi
Today was a day that I will forever hate myself. It is so strange that despite the best of our intentions things go completely out of hand and we become the reason of bringing extreme sorrow in ones life.
We shifted to Bangalore a few years back and since then I shop for groceries every Saturday in this mall. Initially the kids and hubby Siddarth accompanied me and it was like a picnic every week. Gradually the novelty faded and it became a responsibility … my responsibility to shop for groceries. Five years of married life and two kids taught me a lot. I became even more calculated in giving my reactions. I have always been a very cautious person and most of my friends used to make fun of this habit of mine. They used to say that by the time Ruchi makes up her mind the train would have reached the next station!
While I was standing in the check-out queue for a long time I heard a familiar voice behind me speaking on the phone. I was not sure but my affection for the voice made me turn around and yes, it was him- Aadi. My best friend in college and after. He had made my life so much lively. He was the only one in who I trusted.
I looked at him. For a man who was obsessed with fitness and workouts in gym’s he had grown a lot thinner and his skin had darkened a shade. As soon as he caught my eye I noticed the disbelief and then the surprise and warmth in his eye. Nodding at me he concluded the conversation on phone very fast and looked at me expectantly.
“Aadi! Its been ages since we met. Where have you been? Grocery shopping means you are staying in Bangalore. When did you move here? New company?”
I was surprised how the calm and composed side of mine quickly gave way to the college girl past in me. It was like I had travelled back in time in a second.
“Where is Nina? Is she too here? Where’s she?” I had so many questions.
He just stood there smiling and for a fleeting moment I thought I noticed his eyes moistening. Or was it my eyes playing games on me? Just then I had to move forward and I heard him saying,” Lets get out of here and meet in the cafeteria below.”
I paid the cash and tucked the groceries in the boot of the car and made up to the cafeteria. The cafeteria was pretty empty and I saw Aadi seated in a corner scanning his phone.
“So it’s been what five-six-seven years?”
His reply was measured,” Ruchi! Ya. Pretty long time. So how are you? And Siddu. Had met him at your reception.”
“Yes and I’m still angry at you for not attending the wedding.”
We spoke about a few things here and there. He said he had recently taken up job in Bangalore as a developer. That surprised me. He was always an A-lister throughout college. It was very hard to accept that he had not moved up the corporate ladder. As I was speaking with him, my mind went back in the past.
In college, I had always admired him and we were most comfortable in each others company. We spent almost all weekends together. Though we did not say, it was evident that we would marry and be together for the rest of our lives. We were actually so deep in love that we did not have the need to express it.
Nina was my childhood friend. She had lost her mother at an early age and was a regular at our home. Gradually she became like a younger sister for me. She had been at my place on a Sunday when Aadi visited me. She instantly hit it off him and later Aadi told me that she was a cute girl. It was only after a few weeks that Nina confided in me that she was deeply in love with Aadi. She was crazy for him. She became a changed person. The giggly girl that I knew from childhood had transformed herself in a beautiful charming woman. I never thought of her as competitor. Neither did Aadi think of her as a lifemate.
One day however, something rang a bell in my head when Nina said that she was going to propose Aadi. She asked me to help her.
I asked her,” I know these are your feelings, but has he reciprocated his? What if he turns you down?”
“He has not said so but I know he’ll be happy. I’m sure I’ll be taking good care of him. I don’t think I will be able to live without him. This may sound crazy but I’ve never thought of a life without him. I would rather kill myself than live with anyone else. Will you speak to him on my behalf if he refuses?”
Later that evening I spoke to Aadi. He was very upset that I even considered the proposal.
“This is ridiculous. You should have told her there itself that we have been seeing each other for the past three years?”
“I was scared when she said that she’d kill herself”
“Look people say these things. They never mean it”
“I don’t know. She is hyper”
“I don’t care. All I know is that I want you in my life”
We spoke for a long time, and I found myself arguing with him on Nina’s behalf. I don’t know if it was the fear of she ending her life or the fact that I felt sympathy for her for losing her mother at a very tender age.
It was then that he asked me,”Ruchi, tell me. Are you in love with me? Or do you just love me?”
I took some time to understand it. It was probably the fear of Nina giving up her life that made me give up Aadi. He was devastated.
“Ruchi, you are the only person who is dear to me. Don’t make me beg. God!! Why are we even discussing this?”
After that evening we did not meet for a few months. Nina was happy and within a year she married Aadi. I got married to Siddarth. That was the last time I saw Aadi. And then we met today.
To continue the conversation I asked him,”So how is Nina? Kids yet?”
He took a long sip of his coffee, looked at me and then what he said struck me like a hard blow.
“Nina walked out on me even before our first anniversary. She wanted an exciting life full of adventure and speed. And I was unexciting. It took me more a year to get out of depression and addiction until I got a job by a friends reference. I decided I had to move to a new place and make a fresh beginning. So I took this job. I’m now also working in the evenings with the blind children’s school to keep myself occupied. Being with them made me realize to have a look at the positive aspects of life. I now have a reason to live.”
He spoke for a long time. He was a always a level headed person and spoke earnestly. It was when he said,”Hey I’m sorry I made you cry. Forget about me. Tell me about Siddu and is it just one kid or a cricket team?”
I realized that I was crying. I forgot that I was in a restaurant with a person who was not my husband and yet I continued to cry. I knew I was guilty of turning a perfectly nice person into a mourner. I was responsible for putting him in agony. He was trying to collect and put together pieces of his life and I had opened his wounds. Had I not made that decision of supporting Nina, he would probably have been the happy and positive person he always had been. I felt responsible for his misery.
We spoke for an hour and then I had to leave. My family was waiting for me. I asked him for his contact number and he just smiled and thanked me for hearing his story and that it made him feel better. As I left him I felt miserable that I was responsible for his condition today. I was never going forgive myself for that.
Today was a day that I will forever hate myself. It is so strange that despite the best of our intentions things go completely out of hand and we become the reason of bringing extreme sorrow in ones life.
We shifted to Bangalore a few years back and since then I shop for groceries every Saturday in this mall. Initially the kids and hubby Siddarth accompanied me and it was like a picnic every week. Gradually the novelty faded and it became a responsibility … my responsibility to shop for groceries. Five years of married life and two kids taught me a lot. I became even more calculated in giving my reactions. I have always been a very cautious person and most of my friends used to make fun of this habit of mine. They used to say that by the time Ruchi makes up her mind the train would have reached the next station!
While I was standing in the check-out queue for a long time I heard a familiar voice behind me speaking on the phone. I was not sure but my affection for the voice made me turn around and yes, it was him- Aadi. My best friend in college and after. He had made my life so much lively. He was the only one in who I trusted.
I looked at him. For a man who was obsessed with fitness and workouts in gym’s he had grown a lot thinner and his skin had darkened a shade. As soon as he caught my eye I noticed the disbelief and then the surprise and warmth in his eye. Nodding at me he concluded the conversation on phone very fast and looked at me expectantly.
“Aadi! Its been ages since we met. Where have you been? Grocery shopping means you are staying in Bangalore. When did you move here? New company?”
I was surprised how the calm and composed side of mine quickly gave way to the college girl past in me. It was like I had travelled back in time in a second.
“Where is Nina? Is she too here? Where’s she?” I had so many questions.
He just stood there smiling and for a fleeting moment I thought I noticed his eyes moistening. Or was it my eyes playing games on me? Just then I had to move forward and I heard him saying,” Lets get out of here and meet in the cafeteria below.”
I paid the cash and tucked the groceries in the boot of the car and made up to the cafeteria. The cafeteria was pretty empty and I saw Aadi seated in a corner scanning his phone.
“So it’s been what five-six-seven years?”
His reply was measured,” Ruchi! Ya. Pretty long time. So how are you? And Siddu. Had met him at your reception.”
“Yes and I’m still angry at you for not attending the wedding.”
We spoke about a few things here and there. He said he had recently taken up job in Bangalore as a developer. That surprised me. He was always an A-lister throughout college. It was very hard to accept that he had not moved up the corporate ladder. As I was speaking with him, my mind went back in the past.
In college, I had always admired him and we were most comfortable in each others company. We spent almost all weekends together. Though we did not say, it was evident that we would marry and be together for the rest of our lives. We were actually so deep in love that we did not have the need to express it.
Nina was my childhood friend. She had lost her mother at an early age and was a regular at our home. Gradually she became like a younger sister for me. She had been at my place on a Sunday when Aadi visited me. She instantly hit it off him and later Aadi told me that she was a cute girl. It was only after a few weeks that Nina confided in me that she was deeply in love with Aadi. She was crazy for him. She became a changed person. The giggly girl that I knew from childhood had transformed herself in a beautiful charming woman. I never thought of her as competitor. Neither did Aadi think of her as a lifemate.
One day however, something rang a bell in my head when Nina said that she was going to propose Aadi. She asked me to help her.
I asked her,” I know these are your feelings, but has he reciprocated his? What if he turns you down?”
“He has not said so but I know he’ll be happy. I’m sure I’ll be taking good care of him. I don’t think I will be able to live without him. This may sound crazy but I’ve never thought of a life without him. I would rather kill myself than live with anyone else. Will you speak to him on my behalf if he refuses?”
Later that evening I spoke to Aadi. He was very upset that I even considered the proposal.
“This is ridiculous. You should have told her there itself that we have been seeing each other for the past three years?”
“I was scared when she said that she’d kill herself”
“Look people say these things. They never mean it”
“I don’t know. She is hyper”
“I don’t care. All I know is that I want you in my life”
We spoke for a long time, and I found myself arguing with him on Nina’s behalf. I don’t know if it was the fear of she ending her life or the fact that I felt sympathy for her for losing her mother at a very tender age.
It was then that he asked me,”Ruchi, tell me. Are you in love with me? Or do you just love me?”
I took some time to understand it. It was probably the fear of Nina giving up her life that made me give up Aadi. He was devastated.
“Ruchi, you are the only person who is dear to me. Don’t make me beg. God!! Why are we even discussing this?”
After that evening we did not meet for a few months. Nina was happy and within a year she married Aadi. I got married to Siddarth. That was the last time I saw Aadi. And then we met today.
To continue the conversation I asked him,”So how is Nina? Kids yet?”
He took a long sip of his coffee, looked at me and then what he said struck me like a hard blow.
“Nina walked out on me even before our first anniversary. She wanted an exciting life full of adventure and speed. And I was unexciting. It took me more a year to get out of depression and addiction until I got a job by a friends reference. I decided I had to move to a new place and make a fresh beginning. So I took this job. I’m now also working in the evenings with the blind children’s school to keep myself occupied. Being with them made me realize to have a look at the positive aspects of life. I now have a reason to live.”
He spoke for a long time. He was a always a level headed person and spoke earnestly. It was when he said,”Hey I’m sorry I made you cry. Forget about me. Tell me about Siddu and is it just one kid or a cricket team?”
I realized that I was crying. I forgot that I was in a restaurant with a person who was not my husband and yet I continued to cry. I knew I was guilty of turning a perfectly nice person into a mourner. I was responsible for putting him in agony. He was trying to collect and put together pieces of his life and I had opened his wounds. Had I not made that decision of supporting Nina, he would probably have been the happy and positive person he always had been. I felt responsible for his misery.
We spoke for an hour and then I had to leave. My family was waiting for me. I asked him for his contact number and he just smiled and thanked me for hearing his story and that it made him feel better. As I left him I felt miserable that I was responsible for his condition today. I was never going forgive myself for that.
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