My Diary
My Diary
Rahul
2nd July 2017
So… this is a bit awkward. I have been experiencing some weird things… Things that I cannot share with anyone ‘cos if I did, I’d be branded as a mad man. That’s why I thought of penning down my thoughts in this diary with the name Diary Of A Mad Man!
Maybe by reading it sometime in the future, it will help me join all the dots. Else a professionally successful, happily married man in early forties like me would not be experiencing this.
For the past few days or rather weeks, I think I have started hearing voices in my ears. This is weird, and initially it freaked me out. It does not happen all the time. I have not been able to put a pattern to it. Sometimes it happens at home when my family is around me, sometimes at the office, once even at the theatre when I was watching a nonsense movie like Simba! Funny? No. I think this is something else and its serious. I can hear voices that speak disparagingly about me.
I thought of visiting a doctor, but what should I tell him? That I can hear people talking about me? Who will believe me? But seriously, most of the time I can sense people gossiping about me.
Once at the office, I heard similar mutterings by Vijit and Sushma. They sit about 10-12 desks away from me. But I was able to hear them speak and when my name came up in their conversation, I tried hard to hear. What I managed to hear was their giggles after my name was mentioned. They were definitely speaking/gossiping about me. Why weren’t others able to hear them? Or are they also part of this plot against their manager?
I got up from my desk and started walking towards the water cooler. I slowed my pace just a bit as I approached them. As soon as I came within their ear shot, they stopped talking. Sushma went back to her desk. But from the corner of my eye I could see that both of them had a smile (or was it a smirk) on their faces.
I think I have to make an extra effort and to pen my thoughts systematically in the following days to see what if my conclusions are correct.
13th September 2017
The voices are just not stopping. They are getting louder. I am actually able to hear much clearly what people are talking about me. Its like they are almost next to me. It’s that clear!
Is this a good thing? People keep talking bad things about me, its all wrong, I’m nothing like that. It seems everyone is out there wants to get me. I need to find out the reason.
A few days ago, my wife Mansi was talking to our thirteen year-old son Rishi in his bedroom, but I could hear they they were ridiculing my ideas about the new sofa set that we planned to buy. Rishi is in that age when he thinks his father is out-dated, but I was surprised, and a bit hurt when Mansi too echoed similar views. So is my own family also against me?
In another instance, my college friends had planned to meet on an evening at a pub in Camp. The time to meet was set at 8:30PM and I was late by about 20 minutes. As I entered the pub, I saw them standing at the far end and as I approached them, I could sense Mihir talking to others about me. From his gestures it seemed he was commenting on my sense of dressing. The others also seemed to support him. It took me about 30 seconds to reach where they stood and all the time they were looking at me while they were speaking. I lost my mood but stayed with them for the rest of the evening. I had hoped to get some ideas on what they were talking, but all them were smart enough to avoid the topic.
As we prepared to leave at eleven I saw the car park attendant speak to his colleague and point towards me. I scolded them and threatened to hit them. I became even more angry when someone from the crowd that had gathered jeered and called me a drunkard.
7th November 2017
Yes, more such instances happened. I am realizing that the world is full of people that hate me and I hate them equally. I fail to understand what mistake I have done that people keep saying such things about me. These days, I am angrier even before I approach people for work. And I am supposed to behave like a normal person despite people saying such nasty things about me behind my back. Meanwhile a strange thing happened last week.
It was early evening and I was waiting for Deepak in the basement of Le Meridian. We had planned to share some time and revive memories from college. Sure, enough he arrived dot on time and we entered the lift to take us to the roof top restaurant. Loud noise greeted us as we entered the lobby on the top floor.
“Man, these people should reduce the volume, else everyone will go deaf. What do say?” I asked Deepak.
When he did not respond I turned my head and he was nowhere to be found. I searched for him in the lobby, in the hotel, waited over there for a good fifteen minutes but he was nowhere! He had just vanished into thin air in a public place. I asked the security guy, but he seemed to know nothing. I called Deepak on his cell, but it was not reachable.
I was angry and sad at the same time. I left the place after a while. Once home, I again called him, but his phone was still not reachable. I shot off an angry text to him letting him know that this was not funny.
Next day, he called me and denied any knowledge about the dinner. He said that he was in Delhi for the past four days and had not called me or spoken to me anytime in the past few months! He also thought that someone must have played a prank on me. Really? Why are people doing this to me? Am I so gullible?
I checked my phone call logs. There was no call exchange between me and Deepak neither were there any emails. How could this happen? I am absolutely sure that he was with me in the basement of that hotel. I saw him hand over his car to the valet. So, WTF is really happening?
I told Mansi about this and she said that I was probably very stressed and that may have led to this. She suggested me of taking some time off work. Is she being supportive of me or is she not taking me seriously? The coolness that she displayed seemed to suggest that she knew more than what she was expressing. Or am I over thinking?
25th January 2018
Mansi and I had a discussion today evening. I asked her not to laugh at what I was going to tell her. I was pleasantly surprised when initially she appeared genuinely concerned when I told her about the voices that I heard in my ears. I gave her specific instances that she could relate to. She was supportive but denied having said anything bad about me to our son or anyone else. She also added that she had infact bumped into Sushma some days ago at the supermarket. Sushma had told her that I appeared to be very tired and should take some time off.
As our conversation progressed I could sense that Mansi was a bit hesitant to accept what I was telling. She did not appear to be on my side. She wanted me to make changes to my way of thinking thinking. She thought i was over-thinking on trifle things. How could I do that, after I gave her specific examples where people were badmouthing me. She kept on saying that I was imagining things. I found it increasingly difficult to convince her. I gave up talking to her, but she continued speaking for some time. We ended up fighting and to end the blame game, I agreed to meet a psychologist. I am absolutely that sure a qualified and experienced person would be able to convince Mansi. Maybe it is she who needs to develop compassion and empathy.
8th March 2018
The meeting with the counsellor went Okayish. The lady was experienced and had a pleasing personality. And she was a very good listener. She started very casually but went on to ask me pointed questions. It was our first meeting and I am not able to judge if she agreed with my views. She asked me to take a few days off work and go on a vacation. If that was not possible she suggested that should restrict myself to not more than eight hours of work a day. What I found strange was, she suggested that I should avoid driving and keep a driver. She also counselled Mansi, that she and Rushi had to be supportive.
After that, she then asked to wait outside as she wanted to speak to Mansi. I am sure she must have given Mansi some doses of understanding.
23rd April 2018
Something is amiss. The psychologist is no longer the mild person that was earlier. In my weekly visits to her, she always puts on a show that she is believing me. At the same time, though she does not say so, she seems to be hiding something from me. I also have a feeling that she and Mansi are regularly speaking about me in my absence and are laughing at me. Today, she asked me to meet Dr.Divekar, the psychiatrist. So, does she mean I am going mad? Or probably she does not have the brain to understand my thoughts?
24th April 2018
The meeting with Dr.Divekar went well. He seemed to agree with me on most points. One thing worries me. This guy’s calendar is always full. How did the psychologist manage to get an appointment within a day? So, is my mental health that bad? Or is it that these people have made a cartel and want to fleece me into paying more than their regular fees? They must have told Mansi that I need treatment and she fell into their trap.
And we cannot trust anyone these days. The way Mansi was speaking to the doctor, it seemed strange. Did they know each other closely? What could have been their common point of similarity? Same school? Same neighbourhood in childhood? Or does she find him attractive? He is good looking though. And with the kind of money he makes any woman would like to be with him.
The doc gave me some pills. He said that I’ll have to take these for three months. These would help me relax. If these are just relaxants, then these are very costly relaxants. He has recommended a brain scan as well. So are they making a case to announce me as a nut case? Or maybe I am like a walking-talking bank for them. Scare the common man and rob him. Make him a pauper and build your palaces with the money that you rob from him.
2nd June 2018
Since I am at home on a long vacation as prescribed by the doctor, I have a lot of time to think and observe people. Over the past many days, I have noticed a pattern to Mansi’s behavior. As long as she see’s me taking the pills three times a day, she behaves well for the next few hours or she probably puts a show. Later she goes back to her normal way of speaking about me to others. I think these days she also gossips about me to our maid. So many times, I have observed that if she is on a phone call and she glances that I am nearby, her tone changes abruptly and she ends the phone call. And she has put a password to her phone. There is no way for me to know who she’s speaking to.
Last week I had been to office. I could sense my colleagues constantly peering at me across their cubicles. When I reached my car, the driver knowingly smiled at me. The people in my building, when they look at me, there is a different look in their eyes.
What the hell is happening? Is this some kinda fiendish plot against me? By whom? And for what? Is there no one whom can I trust?
28th July 2018
All this must stop. The only way to stop this, is to end all this. Why am I not being told what is wrong? Everyone - the society watchman, the maid, the shopkeepers, neighbours, people on the street everyone looks at me differently. They just stare at me. The children from the society point towards me and laugh. Are they going to attack me? Or should I need to confront the people for behaving with me like this? Maybe attack is the best defence. But I am alone and cannot fight everyone. After all I am losing weight each day. Why is that? Is my food is being poisoned?
But among all this stress, a ray of positivity shone. Last night, after many days I was in the balcony at some time past midnight. Mansi was fast asleep. She looks so beautiful in her sleep. But why does she behave differently when she’s awake? Mansi does not like me to be in the balcony or terrace. She has become sorta control freak. And this was the woman who had married me for my carefree attitude.
Anyway. So, I was there and when I glanced down at the garden, I saw a kid on the swing. So, what was this kid doing there at such an unearthly hour? Whose kid was it? He looked at me and smiled. I waved my hand. He smiled and gestured me to come down. Just waving my hand at him and smiling at him made me feel so good. I felt as if the world has changed and it has become such a nice peaceful place. A place without worries, without the suspicions, without judgemental people. It would be so nice if I could just glide down to the garden, sit on that swing and play with the kid. It would be innocence at its peak.
I was about to spread my arms when I heard a scream behind me and someone pulled me back. It was Mansi.
She was looking at me with an expression of horror. This surprised me. Here I am with a feeling of contentment after so many days and she doesn't seem to be happy with it. She is not understanding where my happiness was. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to make her see my point of view. I suddenly felt a feeling of weakness and helplessness at my situation. She forced me to take a pill and sleep in the bed. And like a mother she sat by the edge of my bed till I drifted into sleep.
I decided, I had to find a way to deceive her and get my share of happiness. I’ll have to be smart to convince all these people around me that I am indeed one of them and then create an opportunity snatch my happiness. I cannot forgive them for depriving me of a simple pleasure like playing on the swing.
29th September 2018
Manasi
Life was at its normal best without any surprises when everything got over in less than a year. Rahul had been at the center of my world. Sometime last year, he started behaving somewhat differently. He started doubting and became suspicious of everyone. Since there was no history of any mental illness in his family it took me time to realise that this was serious, and he needed help.
By the time we met the doctor, he was into acute schizophrenia. That’s the second stage. He needed constant attention. In his last few months his delusional state reached such levels that during the day he used to think he is in office and work at his laptop. There used to be an extra dose of sedatives at night. But the sedatives proved ineffective and he jumped out of the balcony one night.
Today while clearing up his last possessions, I came across this diary hidden in a shoe box. After reading it, I can conclude that he diddn’t commit suicide but went on his pursuit of happiness.
Comments
Post a Comment